Recently, I paid a visit
to a friend's house to play some games. Halfway through 1 of our matches, my
friend's mother came home. She wanted my friend to return a card to the guard
house, but as my friend and I were in the middle of 1 of our games, it was hard
to leave at that point in time.
Let's call my friend F
and his mother M. The scene went something like this:
Begin scene.
F and I are playing
games. M walks in.
M: F, go return this
card to the guard house now.
F ignores M.
M: F, did you hear me?
F: Yes, I'll do it
later.
M looks slightly
frustrated.
M: No, do not do it
later. Do it now.
F: But I'm busy!
M: Busy doing what?
F points at game.
F: I'm in a game now I
can't leave.
M pauses for a moment,
as if she could not believe what she was hearing.
M: Doesn't matter.
Returning the card takes only 5 minutes. Go now.
F: But I can't!
M: Why?
F: Because I'm in a
game!
M raises hands in
disbelief, starts talking angrily.
M: SO WHAT SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT THIS GAME?
M looks at game.
M: YOU CANNOT EVEN LEAVE
YOUR GAME FOR 5 MINUTES?
M points at game.
M: GO NOW.
F ignores M.
M: I TOLD YOU TO GO NOW.
F continues ignoring M.
F (to me): So about
this... (game related stuff).
M furiously leaves the
room, slamming the door behind her.
End scene.
Clearly, in this short
and sharp conversation, both parties were unwilling to listen to each other.
This can be attributed majorly to their weak active listening skills.
There are some families
that practice the tradition of unquestioning obedience. Hence, it could be that
M had weak listening skills because she does not want to be interested in F’s
activities, as she demands complete obedience from F. On the other hand, F has
been exposed to the Internet since a young age, and has been taught to
selectively filter out information that is toxic to him. As such, while F can
listen to M, he does not want to involve himself by responding.
It is said that when
males talk, they exchange information, and when females talk, they exchange
emotions. As M is a female, her emotions are a huge part of her nonverbal
communication, as can be seen from her inflection of voice and her body
movement which accents her angry message. On the other hand, F who is a male
simply ignores M while expressing little emotion, which substitutes his message
of not caring about what M has to say. In addition, F’s action of talking to me
instead of replying to M further complements his nonverbal message that he is
ignoring M.
From this episode, it
can be seen that in order for there to be a healthy conversation between 2
individuals, both parties must practice active listening in order to fully
understand the verbal and nonverbal messages that both sides convey. After all,
we should listen to understand, and not listen to simply reply.
Commented:
Cheng Wei
Clausen
Wei Xiong
Commented:
Cheng Wei
Clausen
Wei Xiong
Hi Marc,
ReplyDeleteNice and interesting analysis on both F and M's listening skills. Conversation breaks down when both parties doesn't want to give in to each other as shown in your situation. It could have been better if either M or F gives in by compromising. Maybe M could have allowed F to play on and return the card key once F is done. Having said that, I feel that both parties could have shown more active listening skills to avoid the situation that had happen.
Hi Marc,
ReplyDeleteA good analysis of the conflict between your friend and his mother. Both of them really need to make a move to compromise, using active listening instead of being all emotional and starts to perform brute force follow up. Such methods will not work anymore as most of us at this point in time are young adults, screaming and shouting at us from asking a favor which in the end became a demanding problem.
Both parties were at fault on not using proper non-verbal communication and active listening. If only your friend had replied “Yes mom, I will help you to do it after this round ended” using good non-verbal positive gestures to reinforce his words to show assurance of doing it, it would have resulted in a different ending. It might turn out to be a happy ending instead of showing an ugly scene of an argument between mother and son in front of a guest.
On the other hand, the Mother who is a full-fledged adult should be mature in handling this situation instead of getting emotional and dumping it all out on his son for refusing his request due to his poor non-verbal communication skills. She could have to think about you, the guest being there so she should give you two some space and remind him to do it later on. At this point, I am just assuming that returning the card to the guard house is not considered “Highest priority with urgent tag on it” kind of matter that would require your friend to immediately run towards the guard house to return it.